dumb shit that happened to me when i was twelveby john ryan gallagher
my dingbat best friend took to taking his grandfather's .22 snub-nose revolver with us on our adventures. maybe this had something to do with the fact that we were watching 'new jack city' around the clock. we had that shit memorized. for the first few weeks he didn't put bullets in the piece. then one day he decided to confiscate those from his gramps too. one afternoon he loaded it up and pointed it at me as if to taunt me. looking back, i know i should have been scared, but for some reason i wasn't. this same best friend lost his virginity around that same time. he was twelve and the girl looked like a sewer rat. i can hear him saying to me, 'sex makes you so tie-yudd'. this was also the same person that thought the song was called, 'we didn't start no fire'.
one morning before the schoolbell rang, i indulged in a dip of kodiak with my white trash friends. something must have gone down the wrong shoot because all of a sudden i was puking and farting all over the place. the school nurse knew exactly what was going on. she called my moms and had her pick me up. i was totally outed. my moms was a real asshole about it. the sickness that smokeless tobacco caused my system was by far the worst sickness my body has ever encountered. i have spent years of my life abusing my body with a vast array of substances, but the pain inflicted from this one was by far the most horrific. this same shit happened to me about two years later. you would have thought that this would have turned me off dip forever, but the problem is, i'm a glutton for punishment.
somehow i got addicted to binaca. i was constantly squirting that shit into my dragon. one day i forgot to put deodorant on and for some dumb reason, i thought i had just the solution. i blasted that shit into my pits, only to feel a sudden intense burning sensation. i had to walk around with my arms outstretched like frankenstein for hours. that shit killed. nasty rash. the worst part was the shame. i think that burned more.
one afternoon i was quietly sitting on my bike in front of a friend's house, when this older dickbag pulled up, only to flip me off and tell me that my mother was 'a ho'. staring back i said, 'you're wrong, you're mother's a ho'. he over dramatically threw down his bike and charged at me. i ran but didn't make it very far. he delivered a solid blow to my face with his lame hand that was in a cast. this was the first of a few hard hits to the skull that i've taken. (note: i've won a f ew fights too. this clown had the advantage, as has he was about five years older than me.) he was basically beating on me until this old guy came and ripped him off me. it was kind of a big deal for a while, and the jackal would call and tell me that he was going to murder me. eventually he was forced to apologize. weirdly, he and i are buds now.
had my first wet dream. was afraid of my sperm. i thought that shit was toxic and that it was gonna make everyone preggers. for a while i didn't want to sleep over friends houses because i was paranoid that i was going to have one. the funny thing is, now i wish that i still had them.


































