dumb shit that happened to me when i was twelve
by john ryan gallagher

my dingbat best friend took to taking his grandfather's .22 snub-nose revolver with us on our adventures. maybe this had something to do with the fact that we were watching 'new jack city' around the clock. we had that shit memorized. for the first few weeks he didn't put bullets in the piece. then one day he decided to confiscate those from his gramps too. one afternoon he loaded it up and pointed it at me as if to taunt me. looking back, i know i should have been scared, but for some reason i wasn't. this same best friend lost his virginity around that same time. he was twelve and the girl looked like a sewer rat. i can hear him saying to me, 'sex makes you so tie-yudd'. this was also the same person that thought the song was called, 'we didn't start no fire'.

one morning before the schoolbell rang, i indulged in a dip of kodiak with my white trash friends. something must have gone down the wrong shoot because all of a sudden i was puking and farting all over the place. the school nurse knew exactly what was going on. she called my moms and had her pick me up. i was totally outed. my moms was a real asshole about it. the sickness that smokeless tobacco caused my system was by far the worst sickness my body has ever encountered. i have spent years of my life abusing my body with a vast array of substances, but the pain inflicted from this one was by far the most horrific. this same shit happened to me about two years later. you would have thought that this would have turned me off dip forever, but the problem is, i'm a glutton for punishment.

somehow i got addicted to binaca. i was constantly squirting that shit into my dragon. one day i forgot to put deodorant on and for some dumb reason, i thought i had just the solution. i blasted that shit into my pits, only to feel a sudden intense burning sensation. i had to walk around with my arms outstretched like frankenstein for hours. that shit killed. nasty rash. the worst part was the shame. i think that burned more.

one afternoon i was quietly sitting on my bike in front of a friend's house, when this older dickbag pulled up, only to flip me off and tell me that my mother was 'a ho'. staring back i said, 'you're wrong, you're mother's a ho'. he over dramatically threw down his bike and charged at me. i ran but didn't make it very far. he delivered a solid blow to my face with his lame hand that was in a cast. this was the first of a few hard hits to the skull that i've taken. (note: i've won a f ew fights too. this clown had the advantage, as has he was about five years older than me.) he was basically beating on me until this old guy came and ripped him off me. it was kind of a big deal for a while, and the jackal would call and tell me that he was going to murder me. eventually he was forced to apologize. weirdly, he and i are buds now.

had my first wet dream. was afraid of my sperm. i thought that shit was toxic and that it was gonna make everyone preggers. for a while i didn't want to sleep over friends houses because i was paranoid that i was going to have one. the funny thing is, now i wish that i still had them.

random pics from school: 015-020
by john ryan gallagher

hott cutts
by john ryan gallagher


click me: http://bit.ly/11wT4b

memory tapes, french horn rebellion, heartsrevolution, la roux, fenech soler, andy gibb, future islands, holy ghost, etc.

five movies i watched this week
by john ryan gallagher

also: 'the ugly truth', 'the goods', and 'the lady is willing'.

things i did on my day off
by john ryan gallagher

went to cameron's house. made a phoney phone call to my principal.

picked up my girlfriend at school in disguise.

drove fast to downtown chicago.

slipped an isreali man five dollars to watch the ferrari. insulted his intelligence when i asked him if he spoke english.

walked over to the sears tower and went to the top. cameron looked down and saw his dad.

hit up the stock exchange and proposed to sloane.

had lunch as chez luiz. tried to bribe the host while claiming to be the sausage king of chicago. he wasn't fooled until we impersonated a police officer on the phone. felony.

took a cab to wrigley field to watch a defensively-fought cubs game. caught a ball. had some snacks.

jumped into another cab and headed to the art institute.

saw priceless works of art.

took another cab over to lincoln avenue to see the von steuben parade. this annual event celebrates german heritage.

inexplicably ditched my friends only to reappear on a float to perform lip-synched versions of 'danka schoen' and 'twist and shout'. the frenzied audience took to executing well-choreographed dances.

went back to the garage and got the ferrari. belittled the attendant's english speaking skills once again but paid him fairly. he was pleased.

cameron went nuts.

we stopped by the lake. i dropped some science when i claimed that cameron would marry the first woman he lays.

brought cameron to his pool and sat him on the diving board.

relaxed in the hot tub with sloane. she gave me an underwater hando.

cameron tried to kill himself. i saved him. then he killed the car but wound up laughing afterwards when he realized that people in this world DO care about him (i.e. me). it was awkward.

told sloane i loved her and ran to my house while taking shortcuts through people's houses. i hope she doesn't think that i'm going to marry her.

made it home just in time.

easily spent a thousand bucks. riddle me this, how come i can't afford a car?

i could be the walrus.

a weekend in review
by john ryan gallagher

Fri:

9:58pm becky's bday party at noir in harvard square. no problem finding a parking spot. weird.

11:26pm grabbed jane's ass thinking it was jenny's at the pill. party foul. awkward.

11:27pm bon savants start playing.

Sat:

1:17am t. anthony's. three slices. heaven.

2:21am broke a vhs rental copy of 'perfect'. pissed.

9:12am tired, scrambling, and rushing to get out the door to get to dudley square for a toxic tour of the neighborhood from ACE. creepin' on the book stalls all efforts.

10:01am driving down mass. ave drinking dunks and listening to wild beasts.

12:16pm tour concludes at ACE. feeling inspired by the devastating evidence of racial discrimination in the vulnerable community of roxbury. hoping to volunteer for this organization over winter break. talk with a girl who lost at edward fortyhands the night before. she said she was rematching tonight and that there was no way she would lose. i asked her if she liked pissing her pants.



1:06pm hit my tenth consecutive red light and began feeling sorry and angry for/at myself at the same time. need to piss.

2:05pm discovering fiona and emily on youtube. they are these two girls from england that make home video recordings of themselves doing cover songs. i recognize that this sounds boring but it's actually really entertaining. i recommend their version of 'street spirit fade out' by radiohead, and 'needle and the damage done'.

2:27pm mad at redbox for not having that new katherine heigl movie.

2:28pm donated cans to the tufts university thanksgiving food drive.

2:44pm eating take-out indian food. watching a made for t.v. movie called 'mrs. washington goes to smith'. it came out this year and stars a bloated and farty cybil shepherd.

3:10pm was able to find a way to fix the 'perfect' vhs. happy.

3:33pm sleeping like a bitch.

10:31pm having sushi at the bar in privas. jenny explains in detail why the parking attendant in ferris bueller wasn't isreali.

Sun:


12:49am common ground goes nuts with the interpretive videodrome presentation of 'bad romance' by lady gaga. dancing with friends. good times.

3:10am sleeping like a bitch again.

10:30am repeatedly sneezing and blowing my nose. hungry.

10:57am brunch at christopher's. mine's cold. wankers.

12:40pm comparing la roux remixes with steiners.

1:11pm picking out vhs tapes at hollywood express. i got 'kansas' with matt dillon and andrew mccarthy, 'the macintosh man', and this movie with marlene dietrich and fred macmurray called, 'the lady is willing'.

2:14pm trying to revitalize a tractor.

3:14pm pissed that the only nfl game on at the gym is the jets and jaguars. fortunately, the jags win. sweating.

4:09pm opening a package from black nasty. new copies of 'shark tank' and 'feed from me'. awesome!

7:32pm papa ginos arrives.

9:14pm watching the game with ed and alex. excited about the way the patriots are putting points on the board.

11:49pm stunned.

mon:

1:06am crying myself to sleep like a little bitch.

shit from the week
by john ryan gallagher

today i unintentionally smelt this girl's breath when she yawned and it made me cry.

wow. the bears suck almost as much as my stepbrother.

freshly washed breasts always smell the best.

one time when i was four my uncle scolded me for saying, 'king kong plays ping pong with his ding dong'. haven't liked the guy since.

(above) woah. joey buttafuoco really does look like mathew perry.

ummmm, who just texted me saying, 'lick my nagasaki'?

(above) this is what i want my gravestone to say.

i feel like bilbo biggins.

this dumb dick in my history class just asked the professor if they called it world war one while it was happening.



(above) douche bag city

this is what i need delivered: some diet pepsi, a copy of 'air-bud', hand moisturizer, and some clean socks. promise, none are for tugging.

(above) not hot.