six things about myself (that i probably shouldn't tell you)
by john ryan gallagher

i saw 'father of the bride' two times in the theater. both times i went by myself.

in high school i ran track one spring because i thought it would look good on my college applications. i was terrible at running. for the junior varsity meets they would ask us what our personal running record was so they could place us into matches accordingly. i lied and said mine was much worse than it actually was. i ran against a bunch of fat kids and they still beat me.

i have this weird mole on my back that should probably be sawed off. sometimes it grows one fur. i've always been self conscious about this one fur. periodically, i have to take a razor and shave it off. recently i took this fur and mailed it to a friend.

when ironic moustaches were cool, i grew one as much as i could. to compensate for my inability to grow a full magnum 'stache, i would take a make up pencil and darken that shit in.

an english teacher once told me i was the sole reason for her considering quitting teaching. the rough part is that my moms was an english teacher too, and if she ever found out about this, i'm sure a big part of her heart would be broken. i basically paid zero attention to this teacher's lessons and instead drafted billy joel lists all class. one of my favorite lists involved each year of joel's career with drawings of the types of shoes he wore that year. in the end the teacher came around and even began collecting my billy joel lists. i won her over but it was hard fought.

(above) this is my all-time favorite photograph of myself.

the real meanings behind cool songs (part one)
by john ryan gallagher

to sir with love by lulu

this song means that even though you are old and my teacher and of another race - i still want you in my bootyholes.

luka

hi, i am suzanne vega hiding behind a lame name. i live above you. sometimes you fight down there. i am overly dramatic and think that your dad is a beater. really you guys are just a normal family. in fact, you are probably the asshole and not your drunken father.

in the air tonight

in a desperate pursuit of songwriting inspiration, phil collins went to the cinema and saw 'friday the 13th'. he went home and wrote this number, naked, in response to the drowning of jason vorhees in crystal lake. seven months later the song was released and the rest was history.

"well if you told me you were drowning i would not lend a hand..."

(note: in the film the camp counselors refuse to save the drowning boy, whose mother later returns to the camp, only to slaughter the remaining counselors. (did you really need me to tell you dat?) people think phil collins is all smart and deep, but really he just stole this shit from a movie. i don't know why no one ever mentions this.)

jump by van halen

i'm not lying about this one: the true sentiment behind this song is to jump off the building and kill yourself, rather than stand up there and threaten to. it's a metaphor for, don't just say you're going to do something. do it.

little red corvette

you're cooter is amazing and it rides me quite nicely. i am insecure and i'm not sure i deserve it. it has driven around the block a few times, but that is okay with me. my only request is that you slow down because i'm going to cum too fast.

take it on the run by reo speedwagon

originally this song was penned as 'take it up the bum' but the studio execs at epic insisted that gary richrath change the name and subject matter.

the gypsy by fleetwood mac

this song was written about the midget that was hired to blow the coke up stevie's butt in the little closet they built for her to change her scarves on the side of the stage.

bad company by bad company

these fatties got stoned on hawain reefer and decided it would be earthshattering if they were to write a song with the same name as their band. lame.

i'm on fire by bruce springsteen

at night i wake up with the sheets soaking wet because i get shithoused drunk and i piss where i sleep.

ten marks
by john ryan gallagher

I. mark hatcher was a bully. in the fourth grade he proclaimed that the left urinal in the boy's room only be used by himself. anyone caught trespassing upon this urinal would be brutally punished. time elapsed and one morning i forgot said rule. within no time i was ripped from this toilet mid-piss and shoved a great distance. i pissed straight lines across the backs of three other classmates' pants. hatcher was fuming... so were the other dudes. this mark now sells insurance.

II. my friend mark andrews got stabbed once and he (later) told me that the wound emitted an odor that smelt like macaroni and cheese. this has stayed with me for quite some time.

III. mark hoss usually had a steady supply of blow and mushrooms that he was always more than generous with. he had the weirdest speech impediment which i can only deduce was a result from such luxuriant vices. it was like a cross between bobcat goldthwait and jimmy stewart - yet everything he said sounded like a question. one time he went behind 'twin donut' in allston and took a shit on the pavement. i guess i never really forgave him for that one. have only seen him in passing since.

IV. mark harmon was in incredible in 'summer school'. it's hands down my favorite male performance in a motion picture.

V. in school, i don't know why i never liked mark ______ . he never did anything to me. one day i wrote a song about him. the beginning went like this:

C/G
the death of mark ______ came as no surprise
F
we watched him die
Am
we didn't cry

VI. in the seventh grade i had to go on this weird bus trip to washington d.c. with school. it was memorial day weekend and that place was hot as a bitch. on the way home (somewhere near one of the roy rogers stops in new jersey) this peedophile pulled up alongside the bus in an iroc z with the t roofs off. he was literally beating his prick from the left to the right. our chaperon, mark donahue, jumped from his seat and pounded on the glass, demanding the man go away and leave us alone. the irony was, i'm sure that a part of mark might have liked it. when we got home and saw our parents all we talked about was this incident. screw the museums, monuments, and sweet times. the dude's hog was literally the size of baseball bat.

VII. free mark.

VIII. mark hamill was luke skywalker. i hate when luke goes home and finds his dickhead aunt and uncle dead and then he cries and looks into the multiple setting suns. pussy.

IX. vin diesel's real name is mark sinclair vincent. that movie 'xxx' was pretty fly.

X. one summer my childhood friend mark ferrandini and i built an amazing fort in the woods. the problem with this was, we were twenty-three. the only reason we designed and constructed this hideout, was to have an alternate venue for binge drinking. we almost burnt down the western side of our hometown that summer. finally these dads came out and tore our shit down. muthafuckaz.

note: italicized last names means i had to change that shit.


have a good mark story? feel free to comment or email: billyjoelfan69@gmail.com

ten thangs
by john ryan gallagher

a. sometimes at night i pry my cat's mouth open to smell his weird breath. this was actually something that was shown to me by someone else. it's pretty neat.

b. these are the classes i am taking this semester: global communications, introduction to sociology, world of cells, severe and extreme weather, and introduction to american politics. in addition to these i am taking a bio lab on wednesday afternoons.

c. i finally broke down and got netflix. here is what they've sent me so far: 'shamus', 'bluebeard's eighth wife', 'year of the dragon', 'oh heavenly dog', 'the good fairy', 'worth winning', and 'they all laughed'. my que looks like dis': 'real life', 'dixie dynamite', 'critical condition', 'the gambler', 'the new kids', and 'lady for a day'.

d. last week at the gym i saw this old fat dude completely bare-ass and i couldn't keep myself from laughing at him. usually i opt to freeze when venturing to the gym in my fitness clothes. it had probably been close to two decades since i've seen a man totally naked like that. i hope he didn't catch on that i was uncomfortably laughing at him. when you do shit like that it always comes back to bite you in the ass. for example, if you make fun of people that stutter or have hammertime teef's, sooner or later you start to stutter or develop a crooked smile. i don't wanna look like that man when i am growns up.

e. the other day at the moma i was wondering what i would have to do in order to get tazed by one of the creepy/weird/lurking security guards. but then i wondered what it would take for them to become so infuriated that they would taze my friend abby too. there's something inside all of us that likes to stare utter danger in the face. a traditional example is when you are driving down the road and a big truck is heading your way and you know that you could jerk the wheel and hit-up the big sleep. these thoughts are entertained by a majority of us - yet we don't act upon these impulses. this was sorta like that but there's also the added bonus or recognition that one could gain by desecrating priceless works of art.

f. i like foursquare.

g. my dad wrote me a liberal-bashing email today. he mentioned the town of 'hyannis' three times in this email, however, each time he wrote the town's name, he spelt it a different way. i didn't really have a response for the shit he was rambling about so i corrected his grammar and spelling and it sent it back to him.

h. free.

i. it turns out there are two movies (that i know of) where men are preggers. one, of course, is 'junior' with arnold. the other is this joint called 'rabbit test' from the 70's with billy crystal. from what i hear, this movie is absolutely terrible. still, i really want to see this. you have to ask yourself, which is a more loaded premise for a movie, the pregnant man, or the goddamn tooth fairy.



j. since i've got this new berry with these new digits, these people continuously call me and demand things to me in spanish. i have no idea what they are saying. the only things i know how to say in spanish are: 'arroz con pollo' (chicken w/ rice), 'donde esta la playa' (where is the beach?) (this is also a song by the walkmen), 'te voy a cortar' (i'm gonna cut you), and 'yo no se' (i don't know). so i say these things to them and they start laughing. in part, i think they continue to call back in order to hear the crazy spanglish i am going to say to them. the other part of them is probably trying to find their cool friend that owes them some dinero.

nyc
by john ryan gallagher